0 DAYS — I AM FORTY!

I am very glad I did this '40 DAYS TO 40' exercise. Earlier this year, the thought of turning 40 left me constantly cloudy-headed and I didn't know what was bothering me - was this the notorious mid-life crisis or was this some form of anxiety/depression, was it the fear of seeing the white ghost of mortality streak across my line of vision or was it just being tired and sleep-deprived? Was I happy with my life or was I dissatisfied?

Jotting my thoughts down in this blog has helped me acknowledge every one of those feral feelings - and identify that I have to address some with action, some with knowledge, and some with just acceptance. I guess, like me, my thoughts and feelings also just wanted to be heard and felt. We are friends now, and friends don't always have to agree on everything.

Happy Birthday to me! 

1 DAY to 40 — BRINGING IT ALL TOGETHER

As I can't think of any more things, I will try to briefly summarise each day's thought since the time I started this exercise:

2 days to 40 - How much of my identity is my nationality?

3 days to 40 - Is the future going to be good for planet earth?

4 - Maybe I'm old enough to revisit my spiritual side

5 - My life revolves around (and because of) my wonderful wife

6 - How happy are other people's lives (really?) and what could be so wrong about celebrating it?

7 - Age is not just a number, it is a milestone/reference point to assess life

8 - I need to work harder to find my tribe

9 - I want to see more of the world

10 - Doing things myself - pride or waste of time?

11 - I need to accept that I will look older, but not use that as an excuse to let myself completely go

12 - I don't need a pet in my life

13 - Teenage love is so different from adult/married love

14 - I seem to be falling into the generation gap sooner than expected

15 - The realisation that life is short should drive me to do more

16 - My loved ones are getting older too

17 - I couldn't achieve my dream of early retirement

18 - It is important to enjoy the money that I've earned

19 - Money is important

20 - Is age impacting how I experience food?

21 - Early success/failure is not an indicator of future wellbeing

22 - How did I get so attached to my smartphone?

23 - Maybe I should ask less questions and do more (because people expect that of older people)?

24 - Is my music my only potential legacy?

25 - I am afraid of losing memories

26 - Not all relationships are forever

27 - Life is very uncertain; death can strike anyone at any time

28 - I should not be stuck in a time warp

29 - We surround ourselves with our own truths, and it is only going to get harder to know what the real truth is

30 - It is becoming harder to deal with friends' contrary/controversial viewpoints especially when I don't see it backed by evidence I trust

31 - Will I be able to rescue myself from living just a mundane life?

32 - I cannot take my body for granted

33 - I don't smoke or drink, but still have other vices

34 - I really don't have intuition/gut feeling

35 - Grown ups don't actually have all the answers

36 - My attention span has shortened, and I don't like it

37 - Life is going by faster than I think it is - I must do more with it

38 - I am struggling to get internal or external validation

39 - Maybe it is okay to just meet the brief and not fuss over doing a brilliant job for every single thing

2 DAYS to 40 — BELONGING

"Congratulations, you are now Australian citizens!" rang the voice of the Mayor, burgeoning my insides with overwhelmment. The national anthem was next, and we were encouraged to sing along. I looked at the large screen in front of me and started singing with the crowd. Hardly a line in, and that hefty familiar lump rose, occluding my vocal cords. Tears plummeted out of both eyes, and I could only lip-sync to the rest of the words.

I remember my tears regularly paying homage to the Indian national anthem whenever I sang it on momentous occasions or listened to particularly favourite renditions on special days. There is a soul-squelching quality in the anthem in which my entire upbringing and memories are enmeshed. 

To spill these tears today for another national anthem, one that will be mine from today, felt weirdly different and weirdly familiar at the same time. There is undoubtedly joy in embracing this beautiful and welcoming country as home, but surely also silent sadness at ceremonially changing part of my identity. 

I do believe that these mixed emotions will eventually amalgamate into a stronger, broader, global identity in this man-made world of boundaries and loyalties.

3 DAYS to 40 — DISASTERS

In 2004, when the tsunami happened, a lot of us didn't know what a tsunami was. In 2020, when the full force of COVID-19 hit, the whole world didn't expect something to happen that would debilitate everyone and change they way we travel, interact with others, and look at a common cold. I suppose every generation has had their life changing, world-impacting events like wars and pandemics.

When I was in school, I would read things like "the world will run out of fossil fuel in the year xxxx" or "the polar ice caps will melt by the year xxxx" and wonder how many of these would happen within my lifetime and how the future seemed to appear bleaker by the day. 

I wonder what else the future holds for the earth, within my lifetime. The thing with bombs and clocks are that they're both ticking.

4 DAYS to 40 — ONE TO THE POWER OF ALMIGHTY

I spent a great amount of time in my teenage years reading about God and religion - different philosophies, interpretations, visualisations, symbolisms... I tried to grasp, experience and dabble with the occult. I reached within the deepest darkest parts of my mind trying to feel more in control of understanding how life worked and deciphering the hidden messages (which seemed quite visible when wearing the right 'glasses'). It all stopped when I was jolted into the humbling realisation that I was trying to measure the volume of the ocean with a teaspoon.

Maybe it was too draining or maybe it was too scary, but I have never tried to go down that route again, and all I have left embedded in my daily mind is the mere acknowledgement of a supreme power. There is no continuous conversation with that power anymore, and perhaps there is an opportunity to re-explore in the coming years - if it can give me more clarity, strength or at least solace.

5 DAYS to 40 — WITH HER

Twenty one years with my girl who continues to make me attempt to derive joy from this life. She has changed in so many ways, yet unchanged in the love she makes me feel. My polar opposite in so many ways, yet makes me suspect we're secretly identical twins. Increasingly impatient with me for the smallest of things, yet incredibly patient for the biggest things. Is often as clueless as I am about things, but way better at finding answers. The only real constant in my life.

I want to stay healthy to grow old with her. And for her to think, at that age, that she lived her best life with me.

6 DAYS to 40 — WINNING LIKE 'EVERYONE ELSE'

At carnivals/fairs, it always seems like everyone else is winning giant teddy bears except you. I have tried to dispel this notion by pointing out that we don't notice the hundred others who don't win anything but keep walking by without attracting our attention. And looking at the much smaller subset of winners lugging around their huge prizes creates an inflated and incorrect perception.

The equivalent of this in our daily lives is social media. There are a few that generously share every moment of their lives. And those moments accompanied by Hallmark-style captions make us wonder if somehow we are living lesser lives, because "everyone else" seems to be making the most of theirs. Need to remember this is a fraction of people in my friend list, and even those people may only be shining the light on the brightest part of their lives.

But then, maybe that's something to learn from them - to celebrate wins more, and make ourselves feel happy about the moments we are blessed with, without bringing a weighing scale and ruining the fun.

7 DAYS to 40 — NOT JUST A NUMBER

Some people don't understand the hoo-ha about age. Age is a number - how is 40 different from 39, they ask. Well, it's a multiple of 5 and also a multiple of 10, and these are milestones or reference points in life. Why do we make plans to meet someone at 5:30 PM and not at 5:29 or 5:28? 

40 is the new 30, they say. So, 30 is the new 20? And 20 is the new 10? 10 is the new infancy? And ultimately, does that make birth the new past life? That's how ridiculous it sounds.

I rated my favourite ages (in decades):

1. 0-9 (remember very less, so possibly feels like the smoothest?) 
2. 20-29 (most of the best things in my life happened for the first time)
3. 30-39 (rough jolt from 'settled' back into 'unsettled', parenting)
4. 10-19 (harsh initiation into sad, bizarre and painful aspects of life)

Every decade has been its own beast. Some gifts have been lavish. Some snatched away before I could open them. Where will 40-49 place?

8 DAYS to 40 — HELLO, INTROVERT SPEAKING...

Some people have friends that stick with them from school. Some have cousins they are close to. Some have siblings who never fall out of their life's boundaries even if there are ups and downs in their relationship. Some have colleagues that are like family. Some or all of these in their everyday lives... People find their tribe.

I miss having my handful of loved ones (peers) geographically close to me, and more in my daily (or at least weekly) life. I've tried in my own small ways to re-ignite old friendships and to make new ones, but most people already have their seemingly ringfenced tribes.

In the late 90s and early 2000s, virtual friends (penpals, blogs) were a great support system and a couple of them became very important in-person connections too. A part of me still romanticises that time and craves connections via that realm. 

I'm aware I might need different tribes for different needs. Feeling tentative, though, as I gather the impetus to dive into this more actively in the in-person realm.

9 DAYS to 40 — AROUND THE WORLD

Marrying the love of my life ignited the excitement of exploring the world with her. I made lists of places I wanted to visit - locally, internationally and everything in geographic proximity. Having kids, relocating to another country and COVID overturned those grand plans in the last decade.

Trying to work out, from here on, how I can manage finances and life (and school holidays) to take my footprints across the world that I still want to see with my wife. Visiting all the continents at least once is the golden dream, and I know Antarctica is going to be the toughest.