1 DAY to 40 — BRINGING IT ALL TOGETHER

As I can't think of any more things, I will try to briefly summarise each day's thought since the time I started this exercise:

2 days to 40 - How much of my identity is my nationality?

3 days to 40 - Is the future going to be good for planet earth?

4 - Maybe I'm old enough to revisit my spiritual side

5 - My life revolves around (and because of) my wonderful wife

6 - How happy are other people's lives (really?) and what could be so wrong about celebrating it?

7 - Age is not just a number, it is a milestone/reference point to assess life

8 - I need to work harder to find my tribe

9 - I want to see more of the world

10 - Doing things myself - pride or waste of time?

11 - I need to accept that I will look older, but not use that as an excuse to let myself completely go

12 - I don't need a pet in my life

13 - Teenage love is so different from adult/married love

14 - I seem to be falling into the generation gap sooner than expected

15 - The realisation that life is short should drive me to do more

16 - My loved ones are getting older too

17 - I couldn't achieve my dream of early retirement

18 - It is important to enjoy the money that I've earned

19 - Money is important

20 - Is age impacting how I experience food?

21 - Early success/failure is not an indicator of future wellbeing

22 - How did I get so attached to my smartphone?

23 - Maybe I should ask less questions and do more (because people expect that of older people)?

24 - Is my music my only potential legacy?

25 - I am afraid of losing memories

26 - Not all relationships are forever

27 - Life is very uncertain; death can strike anyone at any time

28 - I should not be stuck in a time warp

29 - We surround ourselves with our own truths, and it is only going to get harder to know what the real truth is

30 - It is becoming harder to deal with friends' contrary/controversial viewpoints especially when I don't see it backed by evidence I trust

31 - Will I be able to rescue myself from living just a mundane life?

32 - I cannot take my body for granted

33 - I don't smoke or drink, but still have other vices

34 - I really don't have intuition/gut feeling

35 - Grown ups don't actually have all the answers

36 - My attention span has shortened, and I don't like it

37 - Life is going by faster than I think it is - I must do more with it

38 - I am struggling to get internal or external validation

39 - Maybe it is okay to just meet the brief and not fuss over doing a brilliant job for every single thing

2 DAYS to 40 — BELONGING

"Congratulations, you are now Australian citizens!" rang the voice of the Mayor, burgeoning my insides with overwhelmment. The national anthem was next, and we were encouraged to sing along. I looked at the large screen in front of me and started singing with the crowd. Hardly a line in, and that hefty familiar lump rose, occluding my vocal cords. Tears plummeted out of both eyes, and I could only lip-sync to the rest of the words.

I remember my tears regularly paying homage to the Indian national anthem whenever I sang it on momentous occasions or listened to particularly favourite renditions on special days. There is a soul-squelching quality in the anthem in which my entire upbringing and memories are enmeshed. 

To spill these tears today for another national anthem, one that will be mine from today, felt weirdly different and weirdly familiar at the same time. There is undoubtedly joy in embracing this beautiful and welcoming country as home, but surely also silent sadness at ceremonially changing part of my identity. 

I do believe that these mixed emotions will eventually amalgamate into a stronger, broader, global identity in this man-made world of boundaries and loyalties.

3 DAYS to 40 — DISASTERS

In 2004, when the tsunami happened, a lot of us didn't know what a tsunami was. In 2020, when the full force of COVID-19 hit, the whole world didn't expect something to happen that would debilitate everyone and change they way we travel, interact with others, and look at a common cold. I suppose every generation has had their life changing, world-impacting events like wars and pandemics.

When I was in school, I would read things like "the world will run out of fossil fuel in the year xxxx" or "the polar ice caps will melt by the year xxxx" and wonder how many of these would happen within my lifetime and how the future seemed to appear bleaker by the day. 

I wonder what else the future holds for the earth, within my lifetime. The thing with bombs and clocks are that they're both ticking.

4 DAYS to 40 — ONE TO THE POWER OF ALMIGHTY

I spent a great amount of time in my teenage years reading about God and religion - different philosophies, interpretations, visualisations, symbolisms... I tried to grasp, experience and dabble with the occult. I reached within the deepest darkest parts of my mind trying to feel more in control of understanding how life worked and deciphering the hidden messages (which seemed quite visible when wearing the right 'glasses'). It all stopped when I was jolted into the humbling realisation that I was trying to measure the volume of the ocean with a teaspoon.

Maybe it was too draining or maybe it was too scary, but I have never tried to go down that route again, and all I have left embedded in my daily mind is the mere acknowledgement of a supreme power. There is no continuous conversation with that power anymore, and perhaps there is an opportunity to re-explore in the coming years - if it can give me more clarity, strength or at least solace.

5 DAYS to 40 — WITH HER

Twenty one years with my girl who continues to make me attempt to derive joy from this life. She has changed in so many ways, yet unchanged in the love she makes me feel. My polar opposite in so many ways, yet makes me suspect we're secretly identical twins. Increasingly impatient with me for the smallest of things, yet incredibly patient for the biggest things. Is often as clueless as I am about things, but way better at finding answers. The only real constant in my life.

I want to stay healthy to grow old with her. And for her to think, at that age, that she lived her best life with me.

6 DAYS to 40 — WINNING LIKE 'EVERYONE ELSE'

At carnivals/fairs, it always seems like everyone else is winning giant teddy bears except you. I have tried to dispel this notion by pointing out that we don't notice the hundred others who don't win anything but keep walking by without attracting our attention. And looking at the much smaller subset of winners lugging around their huge prizes creates an inflated and incorrect perception.

The equivalent of this in our daily lives is social media. There are a few that generously share every moment of their lives. And those moments accompanied by Hallmark-style captions make us wonder if somehow we are living lesser lives, because "everyone else" seems to be making the most of theirs. Need to remember this is a fraction of people in my friend list, and even those people may only be shining the light on the brightest part of their lives.

But then, maybe that's something to learn from them - to celebrate wins more, and make ourselves feel happy about the moments we are blessed with, without bringing a weighing scale and ruining the fun.

7 DAYS to 40 — NOT JUST A NUMBER

Some people don't understand the hoo-ha about age. Age is a number - how is 40 different from 39, they ask. Well, it's a multiple of 5 and also a multiple of 10, and these are milestones or reference points in life. Why do we make plans to meet someone at 5:30 PM and not at 5:29 or 5:28? 

40 is the new 30, they say. So, 30 is the new 20? And 20 is the new 10? 10 is the new infancy? And ultimately, does that make birth the new past life? That's how ridiculous it sounds.

I rated my favourite ages (in decades):

1. 0-9 (remember very less, so possibly feels like the smoothest?) 
2. 20-29 (most of the best things in my life happened for the first time)
3. 30-39 (rough jolt from 'settled' back into 'unsettled', parenting)
4. 10-19 (harsh initiation into sad, bizarre and painful aspects of life)

Every decade has been its own beast. Some gifts have been lavish. Some snatched away before I could open them. Where will 40-49 place?

8 DAYS to 40 — HELLO, INTROVERT SPEAKING...

Some people have friends that stick with them from school. Some have cousins they are close to. Some have siblings who never fall out of their life's boundaries even if there are ups and downs in their relationship. Some have colleagues that are like family. Some or all of these in their everyday lives... People find their tribe.

I miss having my handful of loved ones (peers) geographically close to me, and more in my daily (or at least weekly) life. I've tried in my own small ways to re-ignite old friendships and to make new ones, but most people already have their seemingly ringfenced tribes.

In the late 90s and early 2000s, virtual friends (penpals, blogs) were a great support system and a couple of them became very important in-person connections too. A part of me still romanticises that time and craves connections via that realm. 

I'm aware I might need different tribes for different needs. Feeling tentative, though, as I gather the impetus to dive into this more actively in the in-person realm.

9 DAYS to 40 — AROUND THE WORLD

Marrying the love of my life ignited the excitement of exploring the world with her. I made lists of places I wanted to visit - locally, internationally and everything in geographic proximity. Having kids, relocating to another country and COVID overturned those grand plans in the last decade.

Trying to work out, from here on, how I can manage finances and life (and school holidays) to take my footprints across the world that I still want to see with my wife. Visiting all the continents at least once is the golden dream, and I know Antarctica is going to be the toughest. 

10 DAYS to 40 — FROM SCRATCH

Growing up in a country where manual labour was inexpensive, I never knew what it was like to do household chores or fix broken things. Now, having moved to a country where everyone is expected to do most household things themselves (as professionals charge heftily by the minute)  - cleaning, repairing, even building - I find myself in a strange dilemma.

On one hand, the variety of things I do in and around the house makes me feel proud. On the other hand, I wonder when I'll find time to do things I really want to if I spend so much time on DIY. 

11 DAYS to 40 — FLAB AT FORTY

I discovered my first grey hair in my early 20s and remember wondering if that was the beginning; turned out to be a false alarm. I wonder how I will accept a head full of grey hair, though. Even harder will be a receding hairline.

But again, I remember thinking (as a teenager) I'd never tolerate a paunch on myself, yet the day I couldn't suck it in completely anymore, I meekly surrendered forfeiting all shame.

I miss the generous ego spike people used to cause in me by being surprised when I told them my age. And one day, it abruptly stopped. No eyes widen anymore, they just concur with the number. 

12 DAYS to 40 — PET PEEVE

As a teenager, I wasn’t sure I would ever have children, but here I am today, a father of two. 

Never wanted to own a pet (that lived outside a fish tank), but everyone seems to think I should get one. The wife wants a dog, and still, nurses hope that I will someday agree (but I'm hoping to hold out forever). Everyone I talk to when I tell them about getting a house, asks within the first five sentences when I'm getting a dog.

I’m genuinely surprised at how frequently this comes up in conversation. Why is it not a convincing answer that I have no space or energy in my life for another child?

13 DAYS to 40 — FROM HORMONES TO BLOOD

Why do I not taste the juice in love poems and songs anymore? Why do romantic movies feel superficial and frivolous? Where has that tingling feeling gone, that was so prevalent in my younger years at the very thought of love and being together?

Don't get me wrong - I still feel love, immense love for the girl that has travelled more than half my life with me, the woman that has given birth to my children, my life's blessing that continues to be my biggest reason to feel life is worth working through. It is just that the intensity feels more internalised than verbal or material adornments can do justice to.

14 DAYS to 40 — MIND THE GAP

When questioned whether he felt annoyed about being asked to do something he didn't want to do, my ten-year-old son defensively replied, "Most children my age would feel this way." Some months ago, he told me, "It may have worked in your generation, but now it won't."

I felt a generation gap between my mother and me when I was a teenager (and still do), but to realise one exists between my son and me feels somewhat unwelcome. One of my goals was (and is) to keep up with changing times; I don't want to pretend I'm young but don't want to become a relic either. 

But when the young have as many perceptions about the old (as the old do about the young), is the barrier inevitable?

15 DAYS to 40 — NOT FOREVER

I've always abhorred the words 'bucket list' or lists titled "...to do before you die". The thought of death shouldn't drive one to do things; for that matter, the thought of death shouldn't loom large in anyone's head.

But if I didn't nitpick on semantics, perhaps the realisation that life is not forever is a necessary reminder to make the most of every minute? To be grateful that things are not bad (or worse than they are)? To realise that those with us today may not be tomorrow and to share more love and hold less grudge?

16 DAYS to 40 — OLDER AND OLDER

Despite knowing the workings of life, the gradual process of watching loved ones (who are older than me) grow older is a helpless, heart-wringing feeling. To see the hands that caressed me (when I was a child) now all wrinkled, or once-chubby countenance now overtaken by the bones behind it feels so hard for the mind to accept. 

In a dark yet prevailing part of my head, my parent is still a parent doing parent things. It takes a more-deliberate mind to grasp that they're doing grandparent things, and that they're not as fast in mind or body as their mental GIF in my mind.

And as I type this in the silence of the night, heavier and more resounding are the noises of those tiny hands trapped in the apparatus that tells the time.

17 DAYS to 40 — RETIRED UNHURT

When I started working (in my early 20s) and started financial planning, my planner asked me what age I wanted to retire. He used his most non-judgemental straight face (bless the man) and matter-of-fact tone to respond to me when I replied "30". 

He helped me see that a reasonably attainable (while still ambitious) target could be 40, and with a buffer, 45. The life choices I made after that, however, ensured that that would remain a pipe dream.

It's not that I wanted to laze after that age. I just didn't want a salaried job past the age of retirement, or to worry about earning money.

18 DAYS to 40 — SPENDING MONEY MATTERS

I learnt the importance of saving money early in my life, but am only still learning the importance of spending that money. There is the future, but there is also the now. Beautiful nows make beautiful back thens to cherish in future nows. 

The shirt I really like but feels a bit expensive now might not even fit me some years later when it doesn’t feel as expensive. The premium seats at a concert may be worth it now than some day in future when my hearing or vision may not do them justice.

19 DAYS to 40 — MONEY MATTERS

How do some relentlessly go after their passion with financial stability at stake? I say that in an awe-filled way.

As someone who became fearful of diving headlong into their passion with zero guarantees of even a middling income from it and opted for a safer job, I still don’t see how I could have done things any differently. I like not having to worry about not having money, and have always tried to save more than I have spent, with a plan to secure myself if I live longer than I’d like.

To the philosophical question - does money buy happiness - I say that I don’t know what happiness is without comfort. And money buys comfort. 

20 DAYS to 40 — FOO DIE ANOTHER DAY

I recall a couple of years as a teenager when I was vegetarian - it was driven by spiritual pursuits, and the entire time, I never felt the slightest twinge of temptation. In my 20s, I had this intense craving to try different meats, especially exotic ones (which in the past five years has wholly dissipated).

Food is still one of my favourite things in life, but also one that becomes an exercise in moderation as I get older, I hear. Of late, the mind prefers comfort food or safe choices at known restaurants - perhaps because eating out isn’t as frequent anymore. However, it may be easier to experiment now before doctors and lab reports dictate what I should (or shouldn’t) eat.