SILENCE AND NOISE

I wish it didn't have to be
The deafening din of silence
To teach me the value
Of your reassuring noise.

THE FATHER FACTOR

Realised something about myself when I watched this ad, and the many memes after India defeated Pakistan yet again in a World Cup match. More than anything else, I connected with the father's heart - explaining cricket to his doting son, sharing his feelings about the match, wanting his son to experience the joy he couldn't, and finally watching his heart sink in disappointment. 

Yes, I'm happy India won today. Yes, I'm aware the father-son in this ad were just actors. Yet, in every country, fathers are fathers - in that they want nothing more than to see happiness on their children's faces. And I realised I'm too much of an emotional father to watch this ad as just an Indian cricket fan. I'm sad this little boy would have cried again today.

A TOUCH OF SANITY, A BIT OF MADNESS

Dear Son - I'll help you find your sanity, and you help me find my madness...

LOSING MORE

Lost my mobile phone (again) today. Feeling desolate and inconsolable.

What did I lose, apart from the money value of the phone...hmm..
Almost every piece of information can somehow be retrieved or stutteringly restored.

Except for the sms-es of someone who is not an active part of my daily life anymore. Looking at these sms-es were my way of injecting that person's memories (and my love for her) into my constant mental system. Even though it may not exist anymore (in the other person's heart), to see the past intensity of love (for me) that was expressed in words still used to make me feel loved.

Tonight, I stand deprived. Of even those keepsake memories, that I so dearly hung on to for several years.

BIG SISTER

As I was walking home this evening, I was charmed by the sight of a little girl (about 6 years old) and an even littler girl (about 3 yrs old) holding hands and trudging along the walkway of my apartment complex. The littler girl squeaked, "Didi, legs is paining!!" (yes, in that cute lack of subject-verb agreement) and immediately, the bigger girl scooped her up in her arms (somewhat clumsily though) and walked ahead. After about 20 steps of huffing and puffing which was the best that she could, the big sister put the little one down, and they started walking hand-in-hand again.

The gesture of the older girl moved me so much it brought tears to my eyes. She probably knew that she couldn't carry her little sister all the way home, but tried her best, for what it was worth. And the instantness of her responding to her little sister's need - at this age!

I have rarely experienced before - this deep pain associated with not having something that I long for, and yet feel a bizarre current of happiness when I see someone else have it.

ALWAYS, NEVER, AND FOREVER

I am increasingly becoming aware of the silliness of the words, 'always', 'never', and 'forever' - especially when it comes to relationships. Embarrassed at my steadfast conviction in these convenient byproducts of overwhelming moments. And angered by people who have dampened the intoxication of these once-wonderful words for me.

What people say and what they really are capable of:
I will always love you = I love you now
I will never stop needing you = I need you now
We will be together forever = We are together now

Leave the flowery language to the poets, ye mere mortals. And ye enlightened ones, slap the blind believers for their own good.

SHE WAITED...

From everyday kisses
To once a week hugs - to monthly phone calls - to occasional SMSes,
He procedurally moved away from her.

Yet, when he continued to tell her that his feelings for her would never change
And that she was the one he loved most,

She believed him.

Even when he did not return her calls to congratulate him
On his wedding
Or on the birth of his first child.
Both of which she found out when she read his blog.

She desperately waited for his next blogpost
To see if his daughter was named after her.

FIELDS OF MINE

Dealing with people is somewhat like playing Minesweeper.

The smooth grid is like people with their carefully hidden egos, insecurities, raw nerves, and complexes. Must tread carefully, for if you step on even one - *BOOM*!!!

There are Beginner, Intermediate, and Expert levels - but it is possible sometimes to embarass yourself even at the beginner's level. The screenshot here shows a Minesweeper game where I thought I got everything right - until - one mistake at the penultimate square *BA-BOOM*!!!

One big difference between relationships and Minesweeper, sadly, is that there's a perfectly logical way to win at Minesweeper.

V-DAY WISH

Each time I make you laugh, a day is added to my life
And each time I make you cry, a year is reduced.
Suddenly, now, I want to be immortal!

Promise you will grow old with me.

MELTING HEARTS

Click on picture to view enlarged version.

Found this picture quite by accident and thought it was incredibly cute! I usually enjoy looking at pictures of famous people in their younger days, and this one especially melted my heart.

WITH HER

No one has ever told me what happiness is supposed to feel like; what the symptoms are. Happiness is something I'm not used to for a sustained period of time (more than two days). If I were writing a dictionary, my definition of happiness would be: "a transitory phase between bouts of unhappiness".

Then what is this unbelievable feeling... that I feel now, in her company, with such great ferociousness in wanting to smile all the time? After six years of being in love with her in the most separatist of circumstances - the closer she gets to me, the more I feel physical spasms of deliciousness in my existence and mental orgasms of comfort in her presence! Is this the happiness out of which I was cheating myself all these years?

Today, I walked with her on the streets of Bangalore in the rain that she loves so much. She walked slowly, reluctant to step into shelter and away from the pouring rain. And I walked slower, folded umbrella in hand, reluctant to step into shelter and away from her. I chipped a tooth gritting to control myself from screaming to the world that she is with me.

I cannot resist the temptation to believe that there is a possibility of constancy in happiness.

AFTER FOURTEEN YEARS

1992. I was in standard five. My (my first ever) best friend and classmate, Riju Chatterjee, was moving to Calcutta that summer. We decided to visit each other's homes before we parted. I went to his house and we had the greatest time. The day he was supposed to turn up, he didn't. I did not have a telephone in my house at that time, and after frantic attempts to contact him, I realised he was gone.. forever. I hadn't noted down his new address.

(Man, I actually lived in an era of no mobile phones, no e-mail!!)

For years after that, I pounced on anyone who said they were from Calcutta with a street name that I thought I had heard Riju mention. As I grew older, I realised that it was as stupid as an Indian movie hero going to America with just the heroine's childhood photo in hand to track her down. But that didn't stop me from making efforts.

However, the jokes, the songs, the music, and the conversations only ten year olds can have, have remained as fresh as ever in my mind. I don't have as much memory of my first crush as much as I do of my first best friend. And I thought he would remain a memory forever.

Orkut happened.

I found him! And took four days to deal with the extreme vibrations of happiness the excitement caused in my body. I learnt that he had been trying to find me too. Never asked him why he didn't turn up at my house fourteen years ago. For I was too shocked and sweetly surpised that he remembered the jokes, the songs, the music, and the conversations only ten year olds can have.

LOVE

She pulled him away
From the path of a speeding truck!
Why don't you want to live, she asked.
I don't have a reason to live, he said.

She kissed him firmly on his lips.
A promise was born!

A promise that flickers nervously now
In front of his eyes now amidst blackouts
In the Intensive Care Unit.
This time, a speeding truck
He didn't plan to stand in front of.

UNREQUITED REMAINS

Saw a bunch of roses (with long stalks) lying in the middle of a road on the zebra crossing lines. Several thoughts came to mind..

Guy proposed to girl on the pavement, thinking it was a novel idea.
Girl did not have "such" feelings for guy.
Guy tries to convince, girl not impressed.
Girl irritated, crosses the road.
Guy runs after her with roses in hand.
DASHHHH!!!! SCREEEEE!!!

As I was thinking this, saw an ambulance stuck in the traffic, trying to squeeze into miniscule spaces.
WAA-WA-WAA-WA-WAA-WA-WAA-WAA-WAAA!!

And then a guy runs to the spot on the zebra crossing, picks up the flowers, puts them back into the basket he was carrying on his bicycle, and cycles away. Florist!

Valentine's Day hangover I suppose...

SCENT OF AN ENVELOPE

Ma came home this evening with an envelope in her hand. The moment I saw the words "BY AIR MAIL - PAR AVION", I was tremendously excited! Who could it be??

I ripped the cover open, and it was from my best friend Vipin! He is a marine engineer who is on his first assignment with UNIVAN. We've known each other from school, and the passing years have only made our relationship stronger. In between, there have been times when we simply had no time to keep in touch. Yet whenever we met, even if it was after several months, it never felt as if we'd been apart.

When he moved to a different city to study marine engineering, we used to write to each other once in two days. Snailmail!! I have so been corrupted by e-mail that I can't even imagine how I wrote letters those days! Some of the letters I wrote back then, were over ten pages long!

Vipin's ship is now in West China. Life as a junior marine engineer is very tough, he writes, and the only things keeping him afloat are his memories of home and me! I'm reading the letter @ two words per minute. I don't want it to end!

I have other people now, who are very close to me; some even closer than Vipin. But no one else can become my best friend. For the others only know me for what I am today.

Vipin knows why I am, what I am today.